"Look at you. You're turning into a sad middle-aged woman. Next thing you know you'll be varnishing your nails and buying girdles."

"Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn."

"No, Lister - what separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals."

"What? Yes mum, I'm just packing my satchel."

"Didn't you hear me? Didn't anyone hear me? Lister's in trouble! The monkey - ooh, ooh, ooh - has fainted! I cannot pick him up! Quick! Come now!"

"She could've said, 'No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathesome, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit'."

"They're like the spots in measles, the swellings in mumps, the funny walk with cystitis."

"Now! Stab him! Stab him! Stab him! Quick! Stab him! Ah, you haven't met Stabhim. He's one of our skutters. Stabhim, meet Lister's paranoia, Lister's paranoia, this is Stabhim."